There’s nothing comparable to the horrible feelings you have when that inner voice in your head is constantly criticizing you every day and making you do things, or want to do things, that just aren’t YOU.
Yeah, okay, “self-control” and “will of power” blah blah… it’s not that easy for someone with a disordered mind.
Yes, we all have our “inner demons,” but for some of us, this inner demon can bring you to a deep, deep depression, that is ten times harder to get out of, than to just “shake it off.”
Welcome to my life… right now, at least.
I’m a happy girl. I am thankful for my family and friends, and I am so thankful for the privileges I have, while many people in the world are struggling. I want to make people laugh and smile. I want to offer a sincere hello and hug to you. I want to give, and I want to see this world progress in ways we could’ve thought nearly impossible. Heck, I want PEACE and I’m not afraid to say it like it’s cliche!
I’ve said it before, and I’ll say it again – I’m an optimistic person.
But there’s one problem.
It seems like I have so many good things in my life and so many things to be grateful for that they would all outweigh the “negatives,” right? Well, they should… and they do in some cases, but in other cases, I feel like I’ve hit rock bottom.
I’ve been feeling like this for nearly a year now. Yes, I have dabbled with these feelings on and off in the past, but never this severe before. And I’m scared.
I’m scared that I won’t rediscover WHO I am. I’m scared that I won’t find peace with myself. I’m scared that I’ll never “recover,” and be able to control my inner mind…
We all have days when we feel overworked, stressed, tired… We don’t want to get out of bed… It’s a “lazy day.” Or even, sometimes we are just so overworked that we catch a little cold or fever and need a day off.
Despite the bacteria and viruses that may affect our immune systems — sometimes our own minds and bodies can do the exact same thing that a bacteria or virus can do — make us sick.
This past week I have been under the weather.
I’ve had a few days that I’ve felt achy and tired, I’ve had days with an on and off fever, and I’ve had a constant stuffy nose and ugly cough. (Luckily I’m beginning to feel much better.)
But I’ve done a lot of reflecting this past week… and tonight. So, yeah, I’m taking a “break” from homework to write this… but I need to – for ME. And I hope that maybe some of you may find this helpful for your mentally challenging days.
I honestly wish I could explain better, the feeling of having an “inner demon” constantly making choices for you. This is not to say that I don’t make daily choices based on my own thoughts and opinions. And I AM happy going to dialects class and speaking as a Russian woman… and I AM happy swing dancing in ballroom at 2pm on a Monday, while laughing my head off with my partner… BUT, it’s once I leave “controlled environments” that I feel completely LOST.
I feel like my choices and habits are NOT being dictated by my wants and needs, but rather, by this horrible voice in my head.
I’m sorry if this is creepy, or freaky/scary, weird, for some of you to read… so if it bothers you, again, I’m sorry and you don’t need to continue! ha..
But really… I wish I could get an actual response from you all…
How many of you recognize that moment when you tell your mind “NO!”?? (It can be in relation to aaaanything… For instance: *Inner voice* You should totally skip class because… blah blah blah. *You* NO, go to class! – And, do you go? Or do you not?)
– Do you actually follow through with your response?
– Or, do you give in to that voice?
Well, often – at least for a while now – I’ve been giving into that voice. Now, I hope you forgive me for not telling you all of the things that occur in my head – it’s a LOT – but do understand, that is because these are things I would never wish upon anyone. Ever.
So, here I am… writing this, rough ‘sketch’ and not really knowing where I want to go with it all…
But, I guess I wanted to say that:
I do not know how to NOT listen to that voice in my head. I have come to a point that I literally do not feel like I have control over my mind and body anymore… and it’s awful. The ‘funny’ thing is though, that I am able to recognize this… that I am lost. Lost in my own mind…
It’s weird sometimes how we can have out of body experiences.
That is basically what my life has been like EVERY day for a while. My “inner demon” causes me to do things that make me feel miserable, and I feel like I’m watching myself from the outside – just hurting myself more.
I think we ALL have these experiences. And I think it’s funny how certain things just “pop up” or start to become very relevant in your life, where you almost receive “signs” from the world…
Sorry if that sounds too spiritual or “out there” for anyone…
But really. I’ve been seeing so many articles and news interviews about emotional intelligence, and just this evening, I watched a Charlie Rose interview with Dan Harris about Mindful Meditation (that took place just a couple days ago).
Well, maybe THIS is my way out.. or at least, it can’t hurt to try, right??
Emotional Intelligence basically means that you recognize the emotions you are feeling and relate them to their “trigger.” What made you feel this way? Why? Is this the right way to feel? Is this overreacting? Is this a mind game? What are the UNDERLYING stressors or problems, (if negative emotions) that are making you feel this way?
Mindful Mediation simply involves relaxing in a seated or lied down position, just focusing on your breath, and recognizing when every time a new thought occurs – “oh my gosh, I need to do this homework.. I need to get my car washed… what should I make for dinner?” Recognizing when you go away from your breath and RESTARTING again. Refocusing on your breath. It may take you 100 times before your 5/10/30min meditation is over… but the point is to WORK the brain muscles and to train them and hone in on your breath.
Well… I know I didn’t exactly share much detail about what’s going on… I just wanted to share a new goal, and something I want to be held accountable for.
I want to take time each day, whether it be short or long, to just meditate mindfully.
Why? Because I’ll do ANYTHING that’ll help me find inner peace and happiness. It may work, it may not. Yes, I know it’s not for everyone, but you don’t know until you try. I’m no true yogi or spiritualist or earth mamma, or whatever you want to call “someone who meditates,” I am simply MY OWN SPIRIT.
Right now, I am recognizing the horrible feelings I’m having (Emotional Intelligence), and I am doing my best to separate the facts of NOW, and what is internally, deeply causing these feelings. I am trying to LET GO. And I want to do my best to take some time each day to focus on letting go.
I challenge each of you to do the same.
Thank you all for reading this. Again, I’m sorry if it was hard to read, and I’m sorry if it didn’t make much sense. But if I could reach out to any of you and relate in any way, that means the world to me.